Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Gotta See A Lady About A Horse

I had a pony when I was very young. Stormy was a black Shetland pony and he was a little mean -- at least stubborn. My mom grew up on a farm and she raised and showed horses as a child and into adulthood.

My most vivid memory of Stormy was one time when he just took off with me on his back. I must have been five or younger. I just remember holding on tight, pulling on the reins as hard as I could, while my family kept yelling at me to pull harder.

I'm pretty sure my mom sold Stormy and my brothers pony, Popcorn, when I was about five, sometime around the time my parents divorced. Not long after that we moved back to the town my mother grew up in. My grandmother still lived on the farm, although it was for sale and it wasn't long before she had sold it and moved into an apartment in town. On the farm was a large stable and indoor riding arena. I regretted the sale of the farm for years.

I begged and begged for a horse until I was about 15 or so (like so many girls I'm sure). I know it must have been tough for my mom to hear this and to have to constantly tell me no. She was barely making enough to put food on the tablel, much less buy a horse and pay for it's room and board. I know it must have been hard because horses had been such a ___ during her childhood and she wanted to me to have the same experience.

Having horses is one of those things that's always been on my list to do or have, but not something I think about much at all.

This past Monday my mother-in-law called me and asked me if I'd be interested in riding with her neighbor. She'd been talking to her and discovered that although the woman has four horses, she doesn't have anyone to ride too and would really like some company.

I'm going Saturday and I can't wait. It seemed like a good omen, the phone call coming after this past weekend, after the past couple of months when I've been struggling. Something so unexpected and new, yet something I know I love. Something that I've always wanted to have in my life. I'm hoping it's not a one time thing. That K (the owner of the horses) and I will hit it off and she'll be willing to let me ride again.

It seems like a nice start to my new year.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Really Random Stuff

Ten Things Tuesday

Really Random Stuff That Has Nothing To Do With My Mental Health (thank god)
ok, it does, but read it anyways

1. Today is the last day for free shipping from Land's End!!! (I hope this is the last day they send me that e-mail).

2. I'm sleeping on the pull-out couch for a few nights because I kicked my husband so bad while I was sleeping Sunday night I turned his mildly bad back into a OMG-I-can't-even-put-my-socks-on-bad-back. I slept so well by myself I'm thinking of getting my own room. Come on, you all know you want your own room.

3. Coming up with ten random things is harder than you think.

4. I would like a Chick-fill-a egg and cheese biscuit for breakfast, and a Starbucks latte.

5. I heart every one of your comments from my previous post. It helped so much, to know you understand, to get your advice, as varied as it was, to know people cared enough to wade through my crap and still say something.

6. I'm taking the boys to the Atlanta Aquarium AND zoo on Friday. I can't wait (which proves I am not stable).

7. My favorite time of day to be outside in December is about 4:00 o'clock. The light is perfect and everything is kind of quiet and peaceful. It gives me hope.

8. Coming up with ten random things is REALLY REALLY a lot harder than you think.

9. I need a cookie.

10. I heart Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory --

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Self Loathing and Other Fun Stuff To Do

Yesterday I deleted all 100 posts on this blog. I did. I don't even regret it. It's this thing I do. Throw everything away, try and start over. It's why, even though I have kept journals and written my whole life I have nothing to show for it.

I've been in such a bad place for the last few days. weeks. wait, i don't know how long i've been in this place but it's been getting worse and worse. yesterday was definitely the bottom.

or maybe it was the beginning of the end of the bad place and the first step in getting myself back.

i was talking to jenn last night and told her i feel like i've completely lost myself. that i don't know who i am at all.

my biggest fear is that my kids are going to hit 40 and feel this way. purposeless, pointless, nowhere to go.

i've always run away. gotten quiet. put up a wall (as one friend puts it).

i really get to the point where i really don't like one single thing about myself, hate myself, can't find one redeeming quality about myself and then just sort of stay there. stuck.

and that post i wrote the other day (which i now can not link to -- I KNOW, I KNOW!) about being all introspective and changing on the inside.

yeah, what a bunch of bullshit.

here's the wall i hit yesterday. or the big revelation i had. nobody really changes. not really. not at the core. we are who we are.

sure, i can instill some new habits. declutter the house and i'll feel better. yeah, i've been going to the Goodwill drop-off everyday. and i've been spending some time outside cleaning up the yard. it does make me feel better.

but this idea that i need to become a different person at my core, at the inside (and i'm not sure that's what i was saying last week), i don't know. it's stupid. fuck, i kind of like who i am anyways.

wait, i thought this was about self-loathing.

no wonder i delete this stuff.