Yesterday I deleted all 100 posts on this blog. I did. I don't even regret it. It's this thing I do. Throw everything away, try and start over. It's why, even though I have kept journals and written my whole life I have nothing to show for it.
I've been in such a bad place for the last few days. weeks. wait, i don't know how long i've been in this place but it's been getting worse and worse. yesterday was definitely the bottom.
or maybe it was the beginning of the end of the bad place and the first step in getting myself back.
i was talking to jenn last night and told her i feel like i've completely lost myself. that i don't know who i am at all.
my biggest fear is that my kids are going to hit 40 and feel this way. purposeless, pointless, nowhere to go.
i've always run away. gotten quiet. put up a wall (as one friend puts it).
i really get to the point where i really don't like one single thing about myself, hate myself, can't find one redeeming quality about myself and then just sort of stay there. stuck.
and that post i wrote the other day (which i now can not link to -- I KNOW, I KNOW!) about being all introspective and changing on the inside.
yeah, what a bunch of bullshit.
here's the wall i hit yesterday. or the big revelation i had. nobody really changes. not really. not at the core. we are who we are.
sure, i can instill some new habits. declutter the house and i'll feel better. yeah, i've been going to the Goodwill drop-off everyday. and i've been spending some time outside cleaning up the yard. it does make me feel better.
but this idea that i need to become a different person at my core, at the inside (and i'm not sure that's what i was saying last week), i don't know. it's stupid. fuck, i kind of like who i am anyways.
wait, i thought this was about self-loathing.
no wonder i delete this stuff.