Sunday, December 28, 2008

Self Loathing and Other Fun Stuff To Do

Yesterday I deleted all 100 posts on this blog. I did. I don't even regret it. It's this thing I do. Throw everything away, try and start over. It's why, even though I have kept journals and written my whole life I have nothing to show for it.

I've been in such a bad place for the last few days. weeks. wait, i don't know how long i've been in this place but it's been getting worse and worse. yesterday was definitely the bottom.

or maybe it was the beginning of the end of the bad place and the first step in getting myself back.

i was talking to jenn last night and told her i feel like i've completely lost myself. that i don't know who i am at all.

my biggest fear is that my kids are going to hit 40 and feel this way. purposeless, pointless, nowhere to go.

i've always run away. gotten quiet. put up a wall (as one friend puts it).

i really get to the point where i really don't like one single thing about myself, hate myself, can't find one redeeming quality about myself and then just sort of stay there. stuck.

and that post i wrote the other day (which i now can not link to -- I KNOW, I KNOW!) about being all introspective and changing on the inside.

yeah, what a bunch of bullshit.

here's the wall i hit yesterday. or the big revelation i had. nobody really changes. not really. not at the core. we are who we are.

sure, i can instill some new habits. declutter the house and i'll feel better. yeah, i've been going to the Goodwill drop-off everyday. and i've been spending some time outside cleaning up the yard. it does make me feel better.

but this idea that i need to become a different person at my core, at the inside (and i'm not sure that's what i was saying last week), i don't know. it's stupid. fuck, i kind of like who i am anyways.

wait, i thought this was about self-loathing.

no wonder i delete this stuff.


Vodka Mom said...

Holy crap. ALL 100 POSTS??

That's okay. I like to look ahead and not backward, anyway. Onward, friend!!! onward..........

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

It's not okay to dislike yourself that much and to destroy everything you wrote, to dismiss it as if it didn't have any value. Wouldn't it help if you talked to someone about your feelings instead of walking around feeling disgruntled with yourself? You sound confused and need to shed some light on that. Am I putting my big foot in my mouth?

AnastasiaSpeaks said...

OK, we need to talk.

I wish we knew each other and could actually talk on the phone and commiserate and work some of this out for ourselves.

The other day I told my husband that I get so sick of myself sometimes.

I know how you feel.

But you know what? This is it. One life, one body, one chance. So if we have to keep trying to be "happy" or at least content, then we have to keep TRYING. Because we deserve it and our kids need it.

So you need to do the things that make you feel a little bit better (i did the same thing yesterday, a little cleaning up helps) and then just get on with it. With life. With making one choice at a time. Just like anything hard in life, the BEST way to tackle it is one small step at a time.

One. Small. Decision. At. A. Time.

Taking a shower. Cleaning up your kitchen. Reading your child one book. Picking up the phone and calling a friend. Playing one note on the piano.

They add up and before you know it, it feels a little different. Then you slip and go back down into the darkness and have to start again.

But that's OK, because that's life, cycles of darkness and light.

Marinka said...

OMG, you didn't delete the COMMENTS too, did you?
I'm sorry. I think that we all get sick of ourselves sometimes. And blogging just exaggerates that. I mean, it's "all me, all the time!"

I hope that deleting was cathartic. And I look forward to reading your new blog.

derfina said...

At least I have some of them in my reader!

Ducky said...

Oh Madge. I went to comment on that post you wrote the other day, and it was gone. It was hopeful, and I want you to know that I saw that hope.

What AnastasiaSpeaks said is true. This is it. This is the life we have. It's not about getting it right all the time, or being in perfect circumstances. To be honest, I'm not sure what it's all about. But I'm here, and you're here, and Jen is here. Talk to someone.

I don't mean to say that life (your life) isn't as bad as you think. It may well be. It might even be worse, for all I know. And while you're the only one who can live your life, I hope (wholly and completely) you can be happy.

I'm glad you kind of like who you are. That's a good place to be.

Bluestalking said...

I've been known to write half a novel only to destroy it in disgust. I've been there, too. While I won't destroy my blog's thousands of posts, I, too, battle self-loathing. I read self help book after self help book. I have a therapist, a psychiatrist, an arsenal of drugs, but still. I've been re-reading my journals from the past two years. They're whiney, sniveling sometimes, and in some ways it hardly seems I've gotten anywhere for all those hundreds of pages written. In some ways I've grown. But mostly not. I'm in the exact same place you are. New years tend to do that to me. Looking forward really is the best thing, but I have this bad habit of turning around and looking backward. Crap.

JCK said...

I can't believe you deleted those posts, girl. You are waaay too hard on yourself.

I think this is a very natural state to be questioning everything at 40. Isn't it called a midlife crisis?

Sometimes it helps to write. Sometimes it feels like the only thing you are writing is about B.S. But, it can get you through to the other side.

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. And I'm glad you have Jennifer.

The holidays can also bring on these blue moods.

I'm sending huge hugs.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Other commenters have some great advice--I have nothing to add on that front. I hope you get what you need--this just seems so sad.

Anonymous said...

I'm not gonna lie...I'm behind on my blog-reading so I'm a little disappointed about missing all those posts.

But...I get it. And if it's what you needed to do, if it's what makes waking up and getting through the day better, then do it. Catharsis, cleansing, starting over...whatever you want to call it.

To better days.

diane said...

I say, "big deal" I do the same thing. I let things go, it's not like you'll never have another thought. It's a good thing. You said it, you read it, others read it, now you can let it go. I totally get it. Sometimes you have to let go, in order to reach out for the new. I say bravo. And this self loathing, that's all it is self loathing. Cut it out, find the good in everything, and stop dwelling on the ugly. Anyone can do that, that's easy. But no one can really aford to live a self loathing life style. You're wasting your time. Get on with it, and know that you are loved, and valued by your creator. Hornor God, and hornor yourself. Gods speed

anymommy said...

I know that feeling, wanting to move forward with a clean slate, start new. But, you know, you can keep the old, because it all reflects some part of us and still move forward towards where ever you want to go. Next time, save in a hidden file somewhere, just in case, then delete!! Or don't, whatever works for you.

Blogging is WAY to introspective at times.

flutter said...

you are entirely too hard on yourself.

gingela5 said...

Wow, that's crazy! But if it makes you feel better to just throw it all out then go for it! Although you shouldn't hate yourself! I hope you get the perspective you need and make changes for the better! :)

ByJane said...

I thought I was the only one who did those kind of emotional divebombing and whirlygigging you describe.

the mama bird diaries said...

I am so sorry for everything you are going through.

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

You're right. Deep down at our core, no one changes that. Mostly because deep at our core, we're all the same. It's humanity.

This human game is so full of stops and starts, good and bad. Purposeful and purposeless. Life is just a game and one crazy roller coaster ride. I've found it's best to yell WHEEEE!, even if I'm scared shitless and don't know where I'm going after the next hill.

jen said...

well, sometimes we just need to clean house. it's easier to feel the sun that way. (right?) can you feel the sun?

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Gah! It's the time of year--but some cleaning out isn't ever a bad thing...I hope you get some peace and quiet so you can sort things out, Madge.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Maybe you came full circle at the end and found the answer. You just have to like yourself for who you are - particluarly "at your core".

What is that saying - that the way to be happy is to "want what you get - not get what you want"? I think that applies here.

It's something I work on daily - I think we all do in one way or another.

I totally get not knowing how you ended up as "this person that you are". I lived passively for YEARS, and have only really just realized that I could have wanted more for myself. Maybe this happens to everyone (the real cause of the mid-life crisis). But there's always time to do more, be more. So that's my focus, and I try to let the regrets go. *Try* being the operative word of course.

jodifur said...

I hope you saved them somewhere. Because someday, you might want them.

Cha Cha said...

You know what? I more than kinda like who you really are. And I know I'm not alone.

It sounds like you're waaaay in your head right now. Keep doing the things that make you feel good. But don't think you have to fix / change everything. You aren't broken, my dear.

Perhaps visiting with a counselor could help you find some perspective? It's helped me more than I could ever begin to express. Plus, it's fun to talk to someone who pretends you're realllllly interesting.

Hang in there!

Suzanne said...

Madge, I'm glad you're back. I stopped by the other day, it must have been right after you deleted all those posts because you page loaded and nothing was there! I thought I was at the wrong page, I kept re-loading the page...nothing. So I'm glad you're back.

I'm sorry you aren't feeling well...I don't know you well enough to offer advice other than I'm glad you have friends to turn to (like Jenn) to talk to, and I'm glad you're back here.

jacquie said...

not that it matters a damn, but i think you are fabulous and WAY to hard on yourself. get on a plane, bring some wine and we'll talk...forget that...i'll get on the plane and bring the wine!

Mrs. G. said...

Oh honey, I'm feeling for you. I am the queen of delete. May I suggest backing up your blog so that you have have the release of pushing delete, but all your precious work protected should you change your mind?


Stacie said...

first, you know that I completely understand this post. sometimes i think we were split at birth. really...we need a's sucked for me too this holiday and usually i feel excited about a new year but all I can think about is how it won't change anything. BUT, maybe we aren't supposed to change deep down but find a way to make our deep down fit in with our surface...sort of a meeting of minds...we'll get there.

Mary Alice said...

Cool, I kinda admire you deleting all 100 posts. Seriously It.Is.So.Dramatic...I admire that. It had passion. Passion is important. So now go forward create it anew, rebuild, revamp. You're not the only one rolling their old habits off a steep deserted hillside these days.

V-Grrrl said...

I have spent a year navigating dramatic changes in my life and circumstances. I devoted huge chunks of 2008 to decluttering my life inside and out, downsizing it in every sense. In the process, I burned SOME of the journals and letters I'd carried with me for 30+ years.

I saved others because when I re-read them, I had respect for the grrrl who wrote those words. She wasn't always wise but she was determined and passionate and mature in ways that the world doesn't necessarily recognize. I can appreciate how hard she tried and all the things she did get right.

The journals I've kept since age 11also let me see how much I've changed and how little I've changed.

Treating ourselves with compassion is an ongoing challenge. Be kind to yourself.

And thanks for stopping by Compost Studios. : )

Louise said...

I have no adequate words. I think you should be able to delete if that's what you really want to do.

I also think you're a terrific person, but if there are things you WANT to change, you can. It's DAMN hard, but you can. But if it's because you think you should because someone else or the world teaches you to think you should, then you shouldn't. It's only if you see something yourself that you want to be different.

Hope that horse ride helped how you feel inside.