Tuesday, May 5, 2009

she writes one long nonsensical paragraph

so what i really want to know is when it stops, when it ends. how is it that other people are so sure of themselves, of their lives. of their beliefs? this has really been bothering me. i've mentioned i grew up in a conservative, cloistered denomination. wasn't really plugged in there, as far as buying into all the doctrines, but you know, was comfortable in the community because it was all i knew. then i left it. then i became a baptist. i know. frying pan/fire kind of thing. not sure who is the frying pan. who is the fire. not sure. thing is i love my church. i love quite a few of the people i've gotten to know at my church. even though there have been times i have been horrified when some of the really conservative freaky stuff comes flying out of their mouth like stuff about abortion or racial issues. it's enough to make me want to pack my bags and get the hell out of here. but of course it's not quite that easy because i have roots here, kids, family. and my kids love their school. best school ever. except for the whole conservative freaky stuff. so then i find myself connecting more with people here in the blogosphere and i start questioning again what am i doing here and then i start looking back at spots in my life, forks in the road where, quite franky, i simply went the wrong way. and then i start seeing people that seem damn sure about where they are and not just that but so damn sure they are so right about everything. and the people that think they are so damn right? they scare me. they scare the crap out of me and really i guess they are everywhere. those people make me want to run and hide. i'm a runner. really i am. a hider. a questioner though. i do question. i do believe 42 is to young to have decided i know everything and that my narrow little world is the only right world so even though i live in what sometimes seems a very small narrow little world at least i do not believe that i have to fit into it that i can go out of it even when i'm here. the thing is i didn't know i would be so dissatisfied and angry at 42. no one told me and also i think that i thought that by the time i hit 42 everything should be on track and perfect which is just stupid and i hope i hope i hope i don't teach my kids that there is some kind of end goal in life but to rather really, and i know it's a total cliche, but i hope they learn to enjoy the journey and all that. to see the beauty in the little things, the joy and peace in a quiet, rainy, may afternoon, a cat sleeping next to you, spewing stupid crazy shit out into the internet. i hope they can be o.k. with the wondering. and the wandering for that matter. i hope they stay a little truer to themselves than i have, although i think that is what i am angry at myself for. not being true to myself and also not admitting that actually i do know what i believe and i am a big chicken shit so much of the time. and that is not where i meant to go with this at all. and if you are still reading this maybe you should wonder why you are still reading it and also sorry for the no caps, but really i hate caps.

18 comments:

Janine said...

joy and peace in a quiet, rainy, may afternoon, a cat sleeping next to you, spewing stupid crazy shit out into the internetyeah, that's it. You've figured it out.

ps. Lot's of people love their church aka the people and secretly don't buy into the doctrine. It's ok. Just don't tell anyone.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I tend to wonder if the people who seem so sure of themselves are really just trying to convince themselves of that fact...

furiousBall said...

this is like ee cummings hijacked your blog :)

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

You really made me think--I'm pretty sure of myself and my life decisions. What I don't think is that they're right for anyone but me.

I don't do church at all--didn't grow up with it, don't connect with it, am fine without it. Still, I envy people who have that in their life--from the outside it looks quite comforting.

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

I'm fairly sure at 41 I know what is best for me in most areas & I know what my opinions are & what I believe. But I also know none of that is written in stone. I have changed & evolved over the past 40 years. I don't imagine the next 40 will be static. I also accept I will never find a group I wholeheartedly agree with 100%. There will always be little differences.

The Gossamer Woman said...

I'm pretty sure of myself and make up my mind about things pretty quickly, although I'm not always right, but I'm pretty convinced of my opinions and don't change them much. I use a lot of common sense and logic.

I don't belong to any church, couldn't take some of the doctrine just to have some of the coziness too. I especially wouldn't expose my kids to it, they're so impressionable.

Vera said...

Yeah. Just don't tell anyone.

Jennifer H said...

I've got high hopes for 43. Maybe that's the magic year...

flutter said...

thankyousomuchforwritingthisireallyrelatetoitandalsoyoujustmademyheadexplodesoihopeyouarehappy

Anna See said...

this was great! i spend a lot of time convincing people that i DON'T have all the answers at the ripe old age of 39. people assume that i do, but i think that's putting me in a box. having all the answers is not a goal of mine. my pastor says, "you don't have to leave your doubts at the door" and i love that.

AnastasiaSpeaks said...

I know how that feels, not being sure. But also from the outside seeming like you know exactly what you're doing. Like you're hard. When in fact you're so soft and not sure which direction is the right one.

I use way too many caps. :)

Jen on the Edge said...

I think life is just a journey that involves a lot of decisions and you just make the ones that seem best for you at that time. Luckily, if it doesn't work out, you can usually change course and try again.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I agree with Kate's remark. And I think I'm good with my convictions in part because I keep questioning. How else can you be sure?

Read a little CS Lewis--he always reassures me when I'm having these sorts of problems. God doesn't want us to be lethargic, passive people. He created us with free wills, inquisitive minds and provides us with answers. (hope i didn't sound too preachy there--it feels like i did)

Marinka said...

I'm with Jennifer. I bet 43 is an eye opener. And not in "it's so hard, but I'll grow way".

Seriously, I think it's a process with no easy either/or answers.

namaste said...

hi there. i've been reading thru your posts. i love your honesty. you have a great blog.

~maria

bernthis said...

Darling don't be so sure that they are all so sure. Don't be fooled by someone's 'outsides" they are often very very deceiving

Julia said...

Oh man I feel this way all the time. I thought I"d have it figured out by 30 for sure. I keep telling myself "why don't you have it figured out" "why are you too scared to just go with your guy on somethings" "why are you still scared of what your mom and dad might think if it is just different from what they raised you to be" etc etc

I guess that's why i like reading blogs. So many people out there in the same boat. Makes me feel safer...:)

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm. That is weird. I had this very conversation on the way to FREAKING church this morning via phone with my husband who was staying home. My parents had the kids overnight which of course meant church which of course meant I had to go BUY them something to wear earlier this week because OF COURSE they didn't have church clothes...no church clothes for at least 18 months. The shoes. I had to buy dress shoes for 2 of them oh, and try finding dress shirts when it isn't EASTER or CHRISTMAS. Oh, and for what? So that they could go to SS for 45 minutes and then drive home with me while I shake my head? Really. That was worth the whole $78 worth of church clothing 3 day search earlier in the week....really. I just don't get it. On the bright side, I went to the YOUTH service while they were in SS and they have drums and a FREAKING light show during the hand-raising song service. I really thought I had been transported to another planet. I JUST DON'T GET IT. I feel intensely guilty that I just don't get it. It makes me kinda mad when I am sitting in the middle of the church thinking WHY DON'T I GET IT. It would be a lot easier to GET IT. Then I could pray and things would all be better. Except they aren't. The sermon was about prayer. Really it sounded like Santa Claus. Weird. I guess I just don't get it. I am signing myself anonymous. But I betcha you know who I am...we need a Saturday morning chat.