i don't even know who i am anymore

You like? It's my 18 inch pink Christmas tree on my desk. J11 decorated it. Tomorrow I'll show you my six foot white Christmas tree that's going up in my bedroom.

When we get back from the beach we'll be putting the live tree up in the living room.

This afternoon we're going back to the craft store to buy the boy's 18 inch trees for their room.

I don't know who I am anymore.

I've always pretty much disliked the holidays. Dreaded them. OK, at moments hated them.

Yes, it is all tied into my childhood. No, I am not going to bore you with all that.

I think I'm done with that.

I KNOW. That. Is. Huge. To say the least.

Maybe it's the Lexapro. Maybe it's all the yoga. Maybe it's the journaling. Maybe Stacie is just wearing me down with all her retro cheer.

Whatever. I'm so excited about Christmas, more than I ever have been. And I gotta say, kinda feels good.

ok ok OK

I'm posting already.

I don't know what my problem is. That I can't come here and say something. Anything.

So what's been happening?

• Just survived 10 days of a sick seven year old -- not the flu, not strep, not pneumonia, but took an antibiotic to kick it

•Husband has been in school since September. He's getting certified for HVAC work. We thought he would be finished in May and would be working this summer, but yesterday he informed me that if he goes to school until August he'll get a two -year degree. Yes, I managed to not throw a total freaking fit at the idea of three more months of school

•A new yoga studio opened in town and I'm finding my practice again. Best thing ever.

•Despite going to yoga three times a week I'm gaining weight.

•Can I blame the weight gain on going back on Lexapro for anxiety? Let's just go ahead and do that.

•Yes, the anxiety is directly related to the unemployed spouse, the scary economy, and the fact that my job is slower that it has been in 15 years.

OK. So I really meant to participate in NaBloPoMo. Are people even doing that this year? But I didn't. But I really miss reading everybody's blogs and writing. So I'm going to try and get back here and stop avoiding all the things I really want to do.

That's really the thing I feel like all this yoga has been doing for me -- making me stop long enough to realize I'm constantly resisting real, positive change in my life. Things I really want to do, that I can do, that I just refuse to do because I am basically always terrified of making progress.