again, just kind of here

ugh. when will this end? it does kind of wear me out having a sick kid. he's mildly sick, nothing serious, just hasn't shaken it. in fact, he was bouncing around all morning. i gave up after lunch and laid on the couch. fell asleep while he was narrating something to me about something or other.

then we took j10 to the eye doctor for an eye exam, with d6, just along for the ride.

ok, the people working there commented on my reading skills. i'm just sayin. if you need someone to read a reptile book out loud in public you should call me.

yeah, the eye exam was so fun. j10 kind of freaked out and the eye doctor (who does not have children) started quizzing me about him, had he been through anything traumatic, blah blah blah.

i'm standing there in my really ratty cardigan, hair drooping, cold coming on, makeup? i have no idea if i got that far today. i'm standing there exhausted and wanting to say 'well, he's had me for a mother for 10 years? whatcha think that's been like? traumatic?

but i didn't. i gave her a mini lecture on sensory integration disorder, got him settled back in the chair and focused and then high-tailed it for home when it was over and took a little nap at 5:00 p.m.

i swear some day i'm going to get my sense of humor back.

Just Here

I'm just here cuz I said I would be and I'd like to actually follow through on something for once.

It was kind of a long day. D6 stayed home with a cold and around 9:00 my mother-in-law called and asked if I could spend the day with her. So I packed up D6 (books, toys, snacks), drove out to Nana's and realized she needed to see the doctor. Which meant going to the walk-in clinic since she couldn't get into her GP. Three fun-loving hours later, with D6 now running a fever, it was discovered Nana is not eating or drinking enough. She had knee replacement surgery three weeks ago and just hasn't gotten her appetite back.

So it's been a long day, and probably a few more busy days ahead, but it's good.

I'm so glad Nana called me instead of trying to soldier through on her own. Now we know what we have to do -- force her to eat and drink. So that's what we'll do. Hopefully without D6 developing pneumonia like he has done twice in the past twelve months.

So I'm just here tonight cuz I said I would be and that's about it.

i get it, i get it.

this is one of the tough ones right? in the middle. the middle ages. middle aged. oh, don't tell me i'm not middle aged at almost 42. you know i am. come on. 42 plus 42 equals 8fucking4. right?

so in the middle, taking care of the kids, hoping against all hope they make it.

in the middle, watching our parents age, struggle, refuse help.

wondering -- are these the good years? the great years?

yeah, i know i was all morose and creepy yesterday. i'm a little not that much like that today.

my youngest stayed home with a cough/congestion and we are endlessly reading animal books in between me working.

my poor mother-in-law, who would not at all be pleased i was blogging about her, tried to drive herself to a doctors appointment 90 minutes from her house. she is recovering from knee replacement surgery and is having a horrible week, lots of pain, doesn't want to ask for help. i think she's hit a wall this week, feeling completely alone, her husband dead three years, and struggling through this recovery that is probably more than she thought it would be. she sounds bright and forced on the phone and i know she is near tears. we're doing what we can, what we should, and what she'll let us.

it's sunny and in the 60s today -- or will be. i can go wander around the backyard and check on my spinach, parsley, cilantro and lettuce i planted a few weeks ago. i can get the mail and check on all the pansies i planted in january that have somehow survived and are starting to look like something.

it's not all bad, it's mostly good. but i wish i could get at that little nagging part of me that won't let go -- telling me to not forget myself.

oh, that's it isn't it. that's the trick. taking care of all of them and not forgetting myself. that's where i'm headed, that's what i'm trying to do. at least for today.

lather. rinse. repeat

i am having  a really hard time.

ok. go ahead -- roll your eyes.  i am.

i'm doing the classic madge-isolates-herself routine.

i'm also doing the classic madge-decides-to-post-when-she-only-has-10-minutes-before-she-has-to-leave-the-house routine. 

make that nine.

why do i feel compelled to put this shit out on the internet anyway?  what is wrong with me?

the worst habit i have is deciding every one is tired of me and doesn't like me (if you leave a comment reassuring you like me i'm going to be annoyed) and then shutting everyone off.

oh i get cranky and mean when i do this. i  get lonely and scared.  i feel small.  

of course i feel lonely -- i cut everyone off!  i'm seriously not right in the head, i'm pretty sure.

and then things start happening -- real life stuff -- like our private school tuition is $15,000 next year?  what is wrong with that? should we switch schools?  should we move? what do we do?  (please do not turn this into a private school vs. public school discussion -- that's not what this is about)

and i just got a call from my aunt saying my mother-in-law is in trouble at home alone.  she just had knee replacement therapy three weeks ago and has hurt herself and i need to go out there, but i've got two kids in speech therapy this afternoon and i have to figure out which is more important.

and i might miss girls night out (no!)

and i realize i am just a selfish immature pig of a person, wallowing in my pity and that's why i should be blogging -- so i can see the true stupidness of myself.  

so, again, committing to coming her every day for a few weeks, just to work my shit out.

scared.  scared, scared, scared. is everyone this afraid at 41 (almost 42) is everyone examining every damn decision they made in life and wish they were somewhere else?  wish they would get up tomorrow and be different?   

My Silly Valentine

This is Dave, my six year old (and me). This little man is the sweetest little guy. Just a few minutes ago he walked up to me and hugged me. Didn't say a word, just came up, hugged me and walked off.

When he holds my hand my heart gets a little bigger.

Almost every day coming home from school he'll say, "Mommy?" and I'll say, "yes?"

"I love you."

He snuggles all the time, but he's not to clingy. OK, sometimes he's a little clingy.

He loves to ask me what my favorite is of everything, and surprisingly, it's his favorite too!

What's my favorite reptile? (komodo dragon, thank you very much)

What's my favorite animal?

My favorite color?

My favorite place to have lunch?

Next month he's turning seven and I'm wondering how much longer the love will last. I know it will last a long, long time. His ten year old brother is proof of that. But it's different at ten. It's wonderful, but different.

Maybe that's why Dave's sweetness is so precious, because I know it's slipping away. Not slipping away as much as morphing into something else. Something just as wonderful in it's own way. But as my youngest grows and changes I feel the sweetness of each stage as it slips away.

if only i could

so this morning i went into the kitchen, took a butter knife out of the drawer, wandered into the living room, sat on the couch and started gouging my left eye out with the knife.

not really. but i wanted to.

yeah, it's one of those kill-myself-with-a-blunt-object days.

really it's one of those i don't know how to be a mama days. is there a difference between the two? i don't think so.

it's nothing really traumatic, at least not for me. yesterday my ten-year-old climbed into the car and declared it "the worst day ever" (this is about his nine millionth "the worst day ever"). see, they have a spelling notebook in fourth grade and he lost his last week. since he can't find it he has to "move a card" and lose five minutes of recess.

he also declared on the way home that he wasn't feeling well. we got home, he moaned and oohed and aahed and collapsed into bed. i gave him a break, but eventually we sat down to do homework. which is when he realized he left his grammer homework at school. more drama. more wailing. more horror. more me trying to be reasonable and tough and sympathetic all at the same time.

for the rest of the afternoon and evening i got the "i don't feeeeel good" and moping around. but of course no fever, no coughing, no diarrhea, no vomiting.

6 a.m. today he's up and at it again. with all the "i don't feeeel good" but he started playing video games. i sent him back to bed and after fighting with him for two hours i let him stay home under the condition that he stays in bed all day, no t.v., no video games, books only.

i don't know if he's sick. i don't know if he's just upset about forgetting his work and losing his book. i don't know what to do.

i don't know how to do this. that's the stupid thing, the frustrating thing. most days i'm ok. i'm either actually doing a good job (sometimes that happens) or i'm blissfully unaware i'm screwing them up for life. the last 18 hours? i just don't know. i don't know what to do or how to do it. i want to crawl back under the covers, i want to hide from the world.

a couple of minutes ago i asked him how he was feeling and he said, "a little better." i raised my eyebrows, and said, "how much better?"

"not that much....."

yeah. that's what i thought.