Tuesday, February 24, 2009

lather. rinse. repeat

i am having  a really hard time.

ok. go ahead -- roll your eyes.  i am.

i'm doing the classic madge-isolates-herself routine.

i'm also doing the classic madge-decides-to-post-when-she-only-has-10-minutes-before-she-has-to-leave-the-house routine. 

make that nine.

why do i feel compelled to put this shit out on the internet anyway?  what is wrong with me?

the worst habit i have is deciding every one is tired of me and doesn't like me (if you leave a comment reassuring you like me i'm going to be annoyed) and then shutting everyone off.

oh i get cranky and mean when i do this. i  get lonely and scared.  i feel small.  

of course i feel lonely -- i cut everyone off!  i'm seriously not right in the head, i'm pretty sure.

and then things start happening -- real life stuff -- like our private school tuition is $15,000 next year?  what is wrong with that? should we switch schools?  should we move? what do we do?  (please do not turn this into a private school vs. public school discussion -- that's not what this is about)

and i just got a call from my aunt saying my mother-in-law is in trouble at home alone.  she just had knee replacement therapy three weeks ago and has hurt herself and i need to go out there, but i've got two kids in speech therapy this afternoon and i have to figure out which is more important.

and i might miss girls night out (no!)

and i realize i am just a selfish immature pig of a person, wallowing in my pity and that's why i should be blogging -- so i can see the true stupidness of myself.  

so, again, committing to coming her every day for a few weeks, just to work my shit out.

scared.  scared, scared, scared. is everyone this afraid at 41 (almost 42) is everyone examining every damn decision they made in life and wish they were somewhere else?  wish they would get up tomorrow and be different?   


Lisa Wheeler Milton said...

You have a lot on your plate. I wish I could make it a little lighter for you.

derfina said...

In a word? YES.

You are not alone. I have been struggling with the same issues.

Just remember-cycles. What goes around, comes around. Or some such shit. What do I know?

Jennifer H said...

Go easy on yourself, to start. You have a good heart, and everyone who need things right now knows that. Just do the best you can (and you know my answer to your question). I'm available for venting, anytime. xoxo

ducky said...

What Jennifer said. Anything else would be madness.

Louise said...

Two Fridays ago I was WAY behind on everything in my life. I still am, but I have caught up a couple of things. But that day my house was freezing, and it was warm in the sun. I was DEAD. TIRED. I sat outside in the sun for 3 hours. THREE HOURS!! Wasted time, really, because I had so much to do. I didn't make dinner. I didn't make weekend food. (We spent too much money on eating out.) But it was necessary.

Recharge in whatever way works for you. Make. the. time. Sometimes other things NEED to slide.

And write all you need to work this out.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Going through similar things at 36 (going on 37)...

I find that Prozac helps.

AnastasiaSpeaks said...

"so, again, committing to coming here every day for a few weeks, just to work my shit out."


It seems crazy but it does help to write it down every day and put it out there. It rids you of the junk and you might just get some benefit from the words of women with similar struggles.



phd in yogurtry said...

No answers here, but I do envy your "only have 10 minutes to post" posts. Mine take way, way, WAY too long to put together. I wish I could just fling it out there like you do, and many other bloggers.

p.s. I would say the 40's is the coulda-shoulda-woulda decade. You are not alone.

sari said...

You know, motherhood is a 24hour a day job. Even if you're not with your kids, you're thinking about what they need or you should do or you didn't do or what you have to do in five minutes.

It gets overwhelming sometimes.

I'm the queen of the in the middle of the nights, where I laboriously go over all my faults and failures and things I didn't do right, so I know how you feel right now.

It gets better, you just need to have your little hissy fit.

I hope your MIL is doing better soon.

Stacie said...

I am so glad you're just like me.