so this morning i went into the kitchen, took a butter knife out of the drawer, wandered into the living room, sat on the couch and started gouging my left eye out with the knife.
not really. but i wanted to.
yeah, it's one of those kill-myself-with-a-blunt-object days.
really it's one of those i don't know how to be a mama days. is there a difference between the two? i don't think so.
it's nothing really traumatic, at least not for me. yesterday my ten-year-old climbed into the car and declared it "the worst day ever" (this is about his nine millionth "the worst day ever"). see, they have a spelling notebook in fourth grade and he lost his last week. since he can't find it he has to "move a card" and lose five minutes of recess.
he also declared on the way home that he wasn't feeling well. we got home, he moaned and oohed and aahed and collapsed into bed. i gave him a break, but eventually we sat down to do homework. which is when he realized he left his grammer homework at school. more drama. more wailing. more horror. more me trying to be reasonable and tough and sympathetic all at the same time.
for the rest of the afternoon and evening i got the "i don't feeeeel good" and moping around. but of course no fever, no coughing, no diarrhea, no vomiting.
6 a.m. today he's up and at it again. with all the "i don't feeeel good" but he started playing video games. i sent him back to bed and after fighting with him for two hours i let him stay home under the condition that he stays in bed all day, no t.v., no video games, books only.
i don't know if he's sick. i don't know if he's just upset about forgetting his work and losing his book. i don't know what to do.
i don't know how to do this. that's the stupid thing, the frustrating thing. most days i'm ok. i'm either actually doing a good job (sometimes that happens) or i'm blissfully unaware i'm screwing them up for life. the last 18 hours? i just don't know. i don't know what to do or how to do it. i want to crawl back under the covers, i want to hide from the world.
a couple of minutes ago i asked him how he was feeling and he said, "a little better." i raised my eyebrows, and said, "how much better?"
"not that much....."
yeah. that's what i thought.