Wednesday, February 25, 2009

i get it, i get it.

this is one of the tough ones right? in the middle. the middle ages. middle aged. oh, don't tell me i'm not middle aged at almost 42. you know i am. come on. 42 plus 42 equals 8fucking4. right?

so in the middle, taking care of the kids, hoping against all hope they make it.

in the middle, watching our parents age, struggle, refuse help.

wondering -- are these the good years? the great years?

yeah, i know i was all morose and creepy yesterday. i'm a little not that much like that today.

my youngest stayed home with a cough/congestion and we are endlessly reading animal books in between me working.

my poor mother-in-law, who would not at all be pleased i was blogging about her, tried to drive herself to a doctors appointment 90 minutes from her house. she is recovering from knee replacement surgery and is having a horrible week, lots of pain, doesn't want to ask for help. i think she's hit a wall this week, feeling completely alone, her husband dead three years, and struggling through this recovery that is probably more than she thought it would be. she sounds bright and forced on the phone and i know she is near tears. we're doing what we can, what we should, and what she'll let us.

it's sunny and in the 60s today -- or will be. i can go wander around the backyard and check on my spinach, parsley, cilantro and lettuce i planted a few weeks ago. i can get the mail and check on all the pansies i planted in january that have somehow survived and are starting to look like something.

it's not all bad, it's mostly good. but i wish i could get at that little nagging part of me that won't let go -- telling me to not forget myself.

oh, that's it isn't it. that's the trick. taking care of all of them and not forgetting myself. that's where i'm headed, that's what i'm trying to do. at least for today.

12 comments:

Lisa Wheeler Milton said...

You nailed it.

Enjoy today's warmth.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Good luck with all of it--and balancing you in the middle of this act of your life.

Jennifer H said...

Maybe we can't do more than that, just every day remind ourselves of that.

Also, I'm so envious of your plants.

AnastasiaSpeaks said...

I'm SO happy you wrote today. It's perfect. And you're doing well. Each day is a new opportunity for something...something good, bad or the same but at least something!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

It's a good goal for getting through the day.

phd in yogurtry said...

Talk about journaling yourself into a good place! Middle age is a concept I still can't wrap my head around. There are these reminders where I think, oh yeah, that's me. Especially from the eyes of young adults, 20-somethings who assume I'm irrelevant because I'm "really old" I remember being 20 and thinking 40 was SO OLD.

Ah well. Life is a journey.

Louise said...

You have that many live plants? ALL of my herbs go dormant in the winter here--except rosemary which is weird. The perennials will bounce back, but the grocery store is my winter source for herbs.

Taking care of others makes life a better place. But once in a while, we have to stop and give ourselves a break. It doesn't have to be that often. And sometimes I think we need it more than we do. We just need SOMETHING, so we assume that's what it is. It might be, but focusing on others really makes our own crap seem less crappy sometimes.

52 Faces said...

I'm getting closer and closer to 30 and in some way I envy you for already passing that hump and going into the "new sexy 40's"

Blaze ahead!

Kate Coveny Hood said...

The fact that you actually recognize the need to think of yourself too is huge. Now you just have to do it...

ByJane said...

...or Midlife. I chose that for MidLifeBloggers.com and every day it seems more apt. The middle isn't some point in time; rather, it's where you are in your own life. Then the things that are happening around you--the parents, the children, the job, the 'what now and why'--are just part of the scenery. We all have it; we all deal with it in different ways; we all wish we didn't have to.

the mama bird diaries said...

Someone once commented on my site...None of us know when our true "middle age" is because we don't know the length of our lives. It is true. It's helped me obsess less about aging. May things get easier around there.

Stacie said...

This is exactly how i feel...I like where I am but wasn't I supposed to do something more....WONDERFUL? Then i think about being on my death bed..the whole regrets thing and I think....what i am doing is pretty wonderful.