Monday, August 31, 2009

one step forward, two steps ---- aahh i'm falling.

ever feel like that? like maybe you are making a little progress and then bam! you don't just feel like you took two steps back, you feel like you fell off a cliff?

i don't know why i put so much pressure on myself to accomplish something. and when i say "something" i actually mean just that. something. i don't have a particular goal in mind. why can't i be satisfied with the fact that i managed to send the kids off to school with all papers signed, lunches packed, the laundry started and i'm not completely behind at work?

why do i always want more? is it the universe telling me i'm not satisfied? nah, it's probably just the media. i don't know. i'm rambling. i'm venting. i put to much pressure on myself. and then sometimes not enough. i feel everything crashing down around me and i want to run away.

i'm tired of pushing and pushing and pushing, but i think the real truth is i've actually just started pushing and it's new and scary and i want to stop and hide.

a few months ago i made this comment on another blog post about blogging. i said "blogging, like life, is an ever-evolving process--something that has to be held lightly so it can reform itself when necessary and lead us where it needs to."

i liked it. enough to write it down and save it at my desk. 'cept i took out the two first words and just said, "life is...."

and it is. and i read that all the time and tell myself to let go, to hold onto all those things i love a little less tightly. to be careful and gentle with myself. to stop pressuring myself.

the trick is there has to be some push in there and that seems to be what i fight with myself the most -- the balance.

blech. i'm not sure what this post is about, but it just feels like it's time to start writing here again.

12 comments:

AnastasiaSpeaks said...

Don't worry, we've all thought those exact things. It's hard to be satisfied with life and not want more. It's our nature to want more of ourselves. I don't that's a bad thing. But we need to balance the need for something more with the be-kind-to-yourself and protect-yourself instinct.

Lisa Wheeler Milton said...

We're in the middle of everything, and it's easy to feel this way (says the woman who was teary and tired last night).

I tend to think these longings lead to something that pulls us through our obligations and boredom.

Glad to see you back. I'm just getting back to blogging myself.

Mary Alice said...

Stepping outside your comfort zone is scary...but sometimes staying inside the comfort zone is what really wears us down. Push on my friend, you'll build new strength.

Madge said...

Anastasia -- it is about the balance -- i so struggle with that

Lisa -- so helpful knowing others feel this way sometimes too

Mary Alice -- "staying inside the comfort zone is what really wears us down" is EXACTLY what i needed to hear.

phd in yogurtry said...

Yes yes and yes. Mostly for me, it's a feeling of falling behind. Behind in all the brick-a-brack of domestic responsibility. Clutter, closets, junk drawers ... they have all joined together in mutiny.

Frogs in my formula said...

Funny, I struggle with the same thing. Now that summer is ending and life is slowing down I feel more at peace. It's true what you say about finding balance.

Louise said...

Balance is hard. I'm not sure anyone every REALLY achieves it.

I love your quote, and I hope the "blech" is temporary.

K a b l o o e y said...

I'm the same way. (Why are we so frigging hard on ourselves?) But the blogging is really helping because I can live with myself right now. Eventually it might not sustain me, but it really helps now, and so does this new community of like-minded friends.
To quote Dory: "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

Hi! I'm Alex said...

Ahhh, the comfort zone.

I'm an exceptional procrastinator but I keep getting that nagging voice in my head that tells me to do more, be more.

And lately, cocktails are not making it be quiet! So it looks like I too have to suck up my courage and leave the zone. Yikes.

Elisa, The Unlikely Housewife said...

I think balance is a myth. Like moderation. We love some things, we hate others. That alone defies the concept of balance. At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

sari said...

I finally started doing something I've been wanting to do for over twenty years and it scares the crap out of me. But it also is strangely and wonderfully marvelous.

We'll see which wins, crap or marvelous! ha ha

Jennifer H said...

You know I get this, and I'm your biggest cheerleader (literally, the biggest. :) And I love you.